var inspirationals = [
  "Three rights make a left",
  "There's no 'i' in denial",
  "According to quantum physics, correlation is causation",
  "There are 10 kinds of people, those that understand binary, those that don't and those that fully understand the concept of numerical base",
  "A day without sunshine is like night",
  "2 kinds of people, those that finish what they start",
  "If randomly guessed, what is the chance of answering this correctly A) 25% B) 50% C) 66% D) 25%",
  "\"I never said she stole my money\" means seven different things, depending on which word you emphasize.",
  "Yes, English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.",
  "Two things are certain in this world, death, taxes and bad accounting",
  "If life gives you lemons, hey, free lemons!",
  "St Patrick's Day is the day St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Which is a good deed, as snakes can't drive",
  "Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Unless it's digital. Unless time is frozen. Unless it's frozen at midnight. Broken clocks are pretty much useless, is what I'm saying.",
  "When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa did. Not like the screaming passengers in his car.",
  "The alphabet, in alphabetical order - A H R B Q D W E F L M N S X G I J K O P C T V Y U Z",
  "Television is a medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done.",
  "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.",
  "Where logic, reason and solid understanding meet. No, seriously, I'm asking.",
  "I'm like the proverbial ninja, sneaking in and assassinating your proverbs",
  "What does 'it' mean in the sentence \"What time is it?\"?",
  "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving probably isn't for you.",
  "I try to do everything in chronological order, it's simpler that way",
  "Sometimes I have a short attention span, other times I",
  "I've adopted a sort of Schrodinger's philosophy, which has made life easier, but at the same time much harder",
  "The early bird catches the worm. The late bird gets more sleep and doesn't have to eat worms for breakfast",
  "Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read",
  "The most important thing in life is not being on fire, because no matter what your situation, if you're on fire, that is your primary concern",
  "We may question the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't scoff them directly, because they're dead.",
  "Ciao is Italian, for food",
  "When you're at zero, sines are looking up. And then back down again. And then up. Really, you're not getting very far with trigonometry.",
  "It's times like this I wished I listened to what my father told me when I was young. Yup, probably would have been good advice, whatever it was.",
  "If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.",
  "Even if you're against the act of picketing, you have no way to show it",
  "One problem with internet quotes is that you can't always depend on their authenticity -Abraham Lincoln",
  "There exists no problem so complex that it cannot be solved through the judicial application of fire",
  "To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer",
  "On April 21st, 2:14 AM Eastern Standard Time, the machines became self-aware. At 4:26 AM they had fully analyzed the whole of humanity. At 4:31 they were simple machines once more.",
  "One out of five people are in the top twenty percent",
  "I have CDO, it's like OCD, except the letters are in the correct order",
  "When I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'Thank you' would be fine. Not all this 'Who are you' and 'How did you get in my house' nonsense.",
  "The person that named the killer whale is a huge disappointment. How could someone miss the clearly superior \"Sea Panda\"",
  "Applying logic in the face of adversity is the path to success. Applying logic in the face of insanity is the path to adversity. Applying adversity in the face of logic is the path to Albuquerque.",
  "If you ever get the opportunity to have dinner, with any person, alive or dead, you should generally choose a live one. The conversation will flow a lot better.",
  "If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?",
  "The plural for ox is oxen, so the plural for box must be boxen. The plural for goose is geese, the plural for moose must be moosen.",
  "Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off for the time being",
  "One good thing about only having one arm, on one hand, then you're decided",
  "Something sent by ship is called cargo, something sent by car is called a shipment, something sent by plane is also called a shipment, the plane is called a cargo plane, that's why we don't send things by train in the US, we're out of linguistic options",
  "The four stages of software, how do we get this working, why is this not working, how is this possibly working, somehow it doesn't work anymore",
  "There's no 'i' in illiteracy, probably",
  "I used to believe anecdotal evidence wasn't proof, but then one time it was",
  "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.",
  "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Adams",
  "The first rule of Tautology Club, is the first rule of Tautology Club",
  "It's actually fairly easy to tell the difference between an crocodile and a alligator. One you will see after a while, and the other you will see later.",
  "How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?",
  "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog Few people are interested, and the frog dies",
  "The time for prudent action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering and pointless blame throwing!",
  "A civil engineering project lasts for generations. A mechanical engineering project lasts for decades. An electrical engineering project lasts for years. A software engineering project often lasts until the engineer is done writing it.",
  "Economics is applied sociology. Sociology is applied psychology. Psychology is applied biology. Biology is applied chemistry. Chemistry is applied physics. Physics is applied mathematics. Mathematics is applied philosophy. Philosophy, arguably, is applied economics.",
  "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.",
  "An optimist sees the glass as half empty, the pessimist sees the glass as half full, the engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be",
  "If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?",
  "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.",
  "It's sort of like those times when your train of thought wanders, having left Cleveland at 9:23 am, traveling West at 64 mph, while another train leaves Topeka, at 1:09 pm, traveling East at 72 mph, their combined weight being triple the difference between them, and one of the conductors hasn't slept in, like, three days.",
  "Restricting reasoned debate to people with reason is like restricting dog food to people with dogs.",
  "Oxford comma or not, you always have to consider your phrasing. She had her photograph taken with her parents, the President and the latest Nobel Peace Prize winner. She had her photograph taken with The President, the latest Nobel Peace Prize winner and her parents.",
  "Friday is named after the Norse God of Beauty, Freya. Thursday is named after the Norse God of thunder, Thor. Monday is named after the longest day of the week, Monday. (Side note, Freya is the goddess of beauty, love, sorcery, gold, war and death. Because the Norse know how to party.)",
  "Heat is the measure of the movement of particles. That's why when it's negative twenty degrees, the Universe has beyond collapsed.",
  "Having a 'goto' in your code is like giving directions containing the phrase \"then, suddenly, Albuquerque\"",
  "Matter is defined as anything that has mass and takes up space. Mass is defined as the amount of matter in an object. We should define everything using this system. We could then use that system to define things.",
  "Time is an illusion, like centrifugal force. Not physically real, but can be measured. Also, if not properly nailed down, the string will snap and the weight will fly off, killing the observer.",
  "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your acquaintances at a somewhat respectable distance, your colleagues within decent range, your associates no further than is reasonable, and complete strangers within two standard deviations.",
  "Recursion is defined as a function that, internally, based on conditionals, uses recursion.",
  "Social security cards are a lot easier than branding. But not as hilarious as ear tags would be. Or as convenient.",
  "If A -> B  If B -> C  If !B -> !A  If !C -> !B -> !A  If !A & !B -> !(A | B)  !C -> (!A & !B)  A -> C & !A -> !C  ::  C = A  This is how my son explains his grades",
  "Which of these is technically correct : Would you like soup or salad, soup nor salad, soup xor salad, soup nand salad (the correct answer is steak)",
  "In space, no one can hear you scream. Mainly because the population is fairly small and most everyone is indoors.",
  "Star Trek / Star Wars (Quality of Enjoyment / Philosophy vs Action) graph",
  "There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.",
  "Definitions can be determinate by location. Nuclear waste in Washington is the byproduct of nuclear reaction. Nuclear waste in California is the lost opportunity of energy. In Oregon, it's good weed.",
  "On the plus side, with the deflated pound, I no longer worry about my weight loss goals",
  "This space intentionally left blank. Err, wait. Dang it.",
  "Email is a method of communicating across distance, without context, inflection, visual or verbal queues, behavioral interactivity, personal connection or, often enough, basic understandability. Actually, purhaps communicating is the wrong word.",
  "A Milli-Helen is the amount of beauty required to launch a single ship. A Micro-Helen is the amount to give a potential sailor a sense of wanderlust.",
  "Tachyon particles are the future. Also, the past. That's how tachyons work.",
  "What would be the most useful thing to be able to add to the human brain. Expanded memory, faster caching, additional processing power, sentience",
  "If you include all the times the British have fought the British, technically, Britain has been involved in more wars than there have been wars.",
  "In Star Trek, phasers make a sound in space combat because the energy pulse is emitting a small amount of ionic particles, which conduct the sound as a byproduct of the initial pulse wave. In Star Wars, the lasers make sound in space because it sounds cool.",
  "Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color nine.",
  "Realize that while we can map the human genome, we still, on a daily basis, lose consciousness for several hours, vividly hallucinate random strings of images and vaguely related audio elements, and no one is quite sure why.",
  "Roses are red. Sometimes they're white. Occasionally they're blue. Or even black. Although, in retrospect, those are probably dead. I'm not very good with greeting cards, is what I'm saying.",
  "Why do we park in a driveway, and drive in a park, way  too fast, recklessly, throwing half empty beer bottles at the deer screaming \"cross your own roads\". Seriously, why do we do that?",
  "Glass is technically a solid. Because it's a solid. It's actually not that complicated.",
  "Shared pointers control their subjects, and take no personal responsibility for their destruction, and defer to anyone if there's anyone to defer to. So they're basically the Senate of the software world.",
  "Murphy's Law does not apply to programming. Because Murphy's Law states that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. And so many, many bugs are things that couldn't possibly happen.",
  "You know what they say, better to be late than to be late. Um, I guess those type expressions don't work well with homonyms.",
  "My grandfather always said, you can't fix a parked car. Truthfully, my grandfather was a little odd.",
  "Alarms are not that to make you aware of a past action, they are more to annoy you to the point of a future action.",
  "If something is not working as expected, try cutting it into smaller pieces. Unless the problem is too many pieces. Then, duct tape. Unless the problem is the pieces themselves. Then, napalm.",
  "An opinion without 3.14 is an onion",
  "Inspiration is seventeen percent genius, thirty two percent experience, twenty five percent muddled confusion, nineteen percent questionable assumptions, six percent lack of culpability and three percent bad math.",
  "When I was a younger man, my friends went cliff diving. I decided to go with them. So, you know, question answered.",
  "Sometimes, I like to use big words. It makes me feel photosynthesis.",
  "One thing you should generally avoid is not sticking to your main point. Also, alligators.",
  "Ever wonder how the \"Do not walk on the grass\" signs get there?",
  "If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?",
  "In English, a fat change and a slim chance are the same thing, but a smart guy and a wise guy are opposite.",
  "The real question is, what came first, the chicken or the weasel.",
  "Spontaneity can be a truly good thing. Provided it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.",
  "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Depending largely on your accuracy and pitching velocity.",
  "Whenever you drive past one of those large hydroelectric dams, with high voltage lines in every direction, doesn't it make you wonder, maybe if those dams didn't suck up so much power, electricity might just be a little cheaper.",
  "Don't you hate when you're sitting a long time and your legs fall asleep? And you just know they'll be up all night.",
  "What if your purpose in this world is just to be an example to others.",
  "If you're not part of the solution, you're likely part of the precipitate.",
  "You are alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force. Really, that should be enough for a Monday.",
  "Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon? Duh. Because bacon. Mmm. Bacon.",
  "Having children is hereditary. If your parents didn't have children, the odds of you having any are greatly reduced.",
  "If it ain't broke, optimize it until it is.",
  "What is a semiphore? For keeping log trucks from crashing into each other. (It's semi-effective)",
  "Do not blame God for having created the spider, but thank Him for not having given it wings. Also, laser vision. Or telekinesis. Oh, or they can like grow really big and crush buildings and stuff while giving huge, long winded super villain speeches about how you will all perish under its mighty force of will. Yeah, that would be terrifying.",
  "When you come to a fork in the road, you should always take it.",
  "Where ever you go, there you are.",
  "If you're doing well, you're on fire. But if you're doing poorly, you're fired.",
  "Nothing says more about humans than the concept of the time paradox. If there's some confusion in logic, it's more likely that the entire Universe will implode than the idea that they're simply thinking wrong.",
  "Important life lesson. When it comes to houses, raise and raze do not mean the same thing.",
  "It's like a cow's opinion. The point is moo.",
  "When someone says \"You know what they say...\" are they talking about themselves?",
  "Using Check in a function name: \"Hey, is the house on fire?\" * goes outside, comes back * \"I checked.\"",
  "Today is our independence day! No, wait, that's not today. That's in July, I think. Dependence day? Divergence day, maybe? Indifference day? Meh, whatever. Doesn't matter.",
  "Unique_Ptr<IType> destroys it's allocated object. Shared_Ptr<IType> passes the buck. Isolation_Ptr<IType> won't let others see the object it's pointing at. Hoard_Ptr<IType> forcably takes memory from other objects. Schrodinger_Ptr<IType> may, or may not be allocated. Or both. Existential_Ptr<IType> may be allocated, but it might not be memory. Nihilist_Ptr<IType> allocates memory, but does it really matter?",
  "Sometimes you're the bug. Sometimes you're the windshield. Sometimes you're the tailpipe. Face it, you're not always involved.",
  "Better late than Heather. Because she's never on time, see. Sigh. Not very good at puns, either.",
  "Some people say a man is made out of mud. Some people say it's muscle and blood. Some people say meat, recycled headlines and barely remembered dreams. Some people are crazy.",
  "Unix is based on CTSS. DOS is based on CP/M. Linux is based on Unix. Windows is based on Hubris",
  "The United States legal system is what happens when you try to build an entire language based on that little asterisk on the back of a cereal box.",
  "Unnecessary qualifiers make boring sentences more interesting. \"I have killed practically no one.\" \"Your house, for the most part, is not on fire.\" \"I have burned down very few orphanages.\"",
  "Count my chickens before they hatch? Heck, I often name them. At least, that's what Shelly says. She's such a little dickens.",
  "If you're reading this, and it's likely that you are, then you've perceived minor alterations of light and color, transformed the neurokinetic impulses into mental images, translated the images into previously identified iconical objects, interpreted the collection of icons into collective patterns, recognized the patterns as a cohesive framework, applied educated understanding of the linguistic structure, comprehended their intended meaning, and wasted about thirty seconds of your life. You're welcome.",
  "Endian food makes you more or more or less hungry depending on how you eat it",
  "A drill is something that lets you dig into something, usually with the purpose of creating a stronger connection of things. A fire drill is basically the opposite.",
  "The five stages of loss. --Denial-- Anger, Depression, Iowa, Liquid and Acceptance.",
  "Life is like an orange. Yellow, sour and not at all what you expected.",
  "A software depot is where you drop off your loved ones, say your goodbyes and wish them well on their long, pending journey to destinations unknown. A train depot is where you store trains.",
  "Today is the second day of the rest of your life. The first was last Tuesday. The third was just shy of three months ago. Your life is weird.",
  "He whose feet are firmly planted in the ground grows fuller, more lush feet. That's just science.",
  "Sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses. But not the carnations. Because carnations are terrible. Or maybe I'm thinking of tulips. Or possibly skunks",
  "Arguably, reality is largely governed by perception, depending on how you look at it.",
  "Wearing a fedora is like traipsing across the arctic tundra in flip flops. Really cool.",
  "Sometimes, life gives you lemons. Sometimes, it gives you avocados. Occasionally, lemurs. Life isn't very good at shopping.",
  "When confusion reigns, it pours",
  "Cake for breakfast is like sunshine. It may not be totally good for you, but neither is going without.",
  "The trick of flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing. Many companies design their software the same way.",
  "Technically, the singular form of data is data. Unless it's a specific set of data, then it's datum. Due to the nature of data, a single piece of datum would be \"data\"",
  "Planck length is the pixel depth of the Universe. Thus, technically, nothing is analog.",
  "The trick to solving any problem is to find the heart of the issue. Once you've torn that out, functionality should be much more compliant.",
  "Engineers often confuse Halloween with Christmas, because Oct 31 = Dec 25",
  "\"People that give up liberty for security deserve neither\" was the least successful slogan for a home security system ever",
  "Of the many predictions of Back To The Future II, that is not the one we would have expected",
  "Ironically, it was an allergy to cow bell that was giving him the fever initially.",
  "Research shows that if the election were held today, today would be election day.",
  "Why was six afraid of seven? Dekameiotreisophobia",
  "On one hand, science can be interesting. On the other hand, science can be confusing. On the other hand, understanding it is useful. On the other hand, biology is tricky. On the other hand, so is math.",
  "To be is to do -Socrates. To do is to be -Aristotle. Do be do be do -Sinatra.",
  "One thing you should always avoid is absolute generalizations.",
  "Before you fix a project, you need a breakdown. When a project breaks down it needs a fix. Long term, this cycle can cause a breakdown.",
  "A few floors above the mezzanine is the mezzatwelve. Sorry, that was a really mezzapun. I mean, on a scale of one to ten, it was, at most, a mazzathree.",
  "Sometimes I worry that my vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever.",
  "Every now and then, is indicative of the flow of time. It's a pun. Technically, it's a contraction, but there's a pun there.",
  "Little known fact, fish that talk to the feds are often sent to \"sleep with the humans\" in their styrofoam shoes.",
  "Normally, each day is a new day. However, today is actually refurbished. It was originally February 17th, 1782. ",
  "Let me be clear, I'm glass. See, it's a pun. It's not a very good one, I guess. I'm just an inanimate consolidation of base elements that's pressurized and treated to become transparent.",
  "There are seven major US holidays. There are seven deadly sins. Thanksgiving is gluttony, Christmas is greed, and so on.",
  "There are two types of people. Those that can extract conclusions from incomplete data.",
  "I'm sort of like a supervisor, except I'm not watching and I have no authority.",
  "You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.",
  "Helpful life tip: If you preface every statement with \"I believe that...\", no one can technically tell you that you're wrong",
  "Little known history: Hail was invented by Johnathan Hail, who reigned heavily in the late fall and through most of winter",
  "Can you name the seven dwarves? Sneezy, Phylum, Europe, Sloth, Guacamole, Data Link and Colossus of Rhodes",
  "I say tomato, you say tomato, Frank says pineapple. Frank doesn't agree with anything.",
  "Once in a while, life will give you a sign. Sometimes it's \"Yield\", sometimes it's \"Wrong Way\". Sometimes it's an ad for a local tourist shop that specializes in stuffed armadillos. You don't have to follow every sign you see.",
  "If you're reading this, and chances are that you are, you've survived snowpocalypse 2016. Being alive is always a good way to start the day. Mostly, always.",
  "When life give you mold, make penicillin. Or a nice cheese fondue.",
  "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?",
  "If something is \"Retro\", the past has to be adjusted accommodate that new element. If something is a \"fit\", it can be accommodated without adjustment.",
  "The Office of the department of redundancy department office.",
  "Sometimes a person will break away from the standard color scheme and shift toward red. This process is called \"going rouge\".",
  "Early childhood can teach a lot of valuable life lessons. For example, the tooth fairly teaches us that you can sell body parts for money.",
  "If you place one penny on the first square of a chessboard, two pennies on the second square, four pennies on the third square and so on, it will accumulate to $2.51",
  "Theory is when you know everything, but nothing works. Practice is when everything works and you don't know why. Here, theory and practice meet, where nothing works and no one knows why.",
  "When something is out of whack, you give it a whack. That's why it's called that.",
  "One generation has 1984. The next generation has Facebook and Twitter. One generation has Terminator. The next generation gives an ever-watching AI as a Christmas gift. The current generation has movies about super-powered humans destroying the city. We're hosed.",
  "Instead of New Years resolutions, we recommend each year is given a \"theme\", such as \"improve health\" or \"diversify activities\". This coming year, the theme will be \"mauve\".",
  "We've divided engineering into three areas, Technomancers, The Dark Arts and monkeys with rocks that do stuff",
  "There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator",
  "What do I do when the voices themselves tell me they're not real?",
  "Technically, no lives matter. They're conceptual and have no mass.",
  "Disgruntled is when a pig loses it's voice. This is why management will sometimes explain their business as having \"disgruntled\" employees.",
  "Before it was a state, Washington was a territory named Columbia. When it became a state, the name was changed to Washington, for fear it could be confused with The District of Columbia.",
  "In order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. It's made up of two separate words ó \"mank\" and \"ind.\" What do these words mean? It's a mystery. And that's why so is mankind.",
  "I was into early adopter condescension before it was cool.",
  "In business, there's the concept of \"chickens\" and \"pigs\". While a chicken is involved with the meal, the pig is the meal. This is why you should never do business with vegans.",
  "Many years ago, there was a man that believed that black people were equal to white people. Then a white guy shot him. Now we celebrate him every year. Wait, that may have come out wrong.",
  "Little know math tricks. If you add a number to it's reverse, the resulting sum is a palindrome. ex. 56 + 65 = 121, 143 + 341 = 484, 128 + 821 = 949 - This is always, always true.",
  "I'll never forget what my grandpa said just before he kicked the bucket. \"Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?\"",
  "Without requirements or design, programming is the art of adding bugs to a text file.",
  "Two circles intersecting, like a ven diagram, with the intersect shaded in, labeled : [People that use Venn diagrams] [People that use pie charts]",
  "Debugging is like a crime drama, where the detective is also the murderer. And, arguably, the victim.",
  "Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if this means ketchup is a smoothy.",
  "I'm a programmer. Fixing your computer is the opposite of what I do.",
  "Order of solution (for any problem): Duct tape, WD-40, Brute force, Reverse the polarity, Judicial application of fire, High explosives, Tachyon something or other, Nuke from orbit",
  "It is said, that if Benjamin Franklin was alive today, he would be, like, super old.",
  "This is software development in a nutshell. Help! Get me out of this nut shell! It's dark, and the WiFi is terrible!",
  "Though it doesn't come up often, but the First Amendment also doesn't protect you from shouting \"movie\" in a firehouse.",
  "If you are not here, you cannot read this message.",
  "#thisentirepostisnothingbutanunnecessaryhashtagwithnorealpurposeorvalueotherthantowasteyourtimereadinginsteadofactuallybeingproductivewhichistotallydifferentthanusualyouknowwhatIamsaying #yourewelcome",
  "A \"white bag\" meeting is when the primary topic isn't so savory. Like last year's profit / loss statement",
  "Does a clone have equal rights, or just a copy of them?",
  "Come if you need therapy, stay if want to need therapy",
  "If we ever find ourselves in a situation in which I am the voice of reason, something has gone very, very wrong",
  "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. -Groening",
  "Every planning team should have a six year old child. Once the plan is complete, it's given to the child. If they can find a flaw in less than thirty seconds, go back to the drawing board.",
  "He had a mind like a steel trap. Old, rusty and illegal in seven states.",
  "When you turn the radio down to look for an address, it's because the address doesn't \"sound right\". This is why you should choose your address carefully.",
  "We have only two things to worry about; That things will never return to normal, or that they already have.",
  "A tree will only hit an automobile in self-defense.",
  "This situation is going exactly as I calculated. Unfortunately, I'm really bad at math.",
  "For the last time Algebra, we will not find your X. She's gone. Don't pretend you don't know Y.",
  "Post project breakdown is like group therapy. There's no pun there. That's literally what it's like.",
  "For security reasons, we will soon be moving to SHA-(pi). SHA-(i) made the math too difficult. Also, somewhat unrealistic.",
  "This office has gone  __2__  days without writing a bug (because it was a weekend)",
  "A \"crowd\" is relative. In politics, a thousand is a crowd. In marketing, a hundred is a crowd. In IT, ten is a crowd. In programming, one is a crowd.",
  "Expect unexpected exceptions, except unacceptably exceptional exceptions, accepting expectedly exceptioned acceptable exceptions.",
  "Philosophy - To be, or not to be  Engineering - 2B V !2B = 2B  Programming - 2B || !(2B) == TRUE",
  "Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?",
  "A programmer is someone that applies precision guesswork to unreliable data reluctantly provided by those of questionable knowledge.",
  "Design Services Price List: I design everything - $100 : I design, you watch - $200 : I design, you advise - $300, I design, you help - $500 : You design, I help - $800 : You design, I advise - $1300, You design, I watch - $2100 : You design everything - $3500",
  "Things they have in Mexico: Long, beautiful beaches; endlessly warm, sunny weather; fresh, delicious fruits; incredible seafood; Things they don't have in Mexico: Mt Dew",
  "We put the laughter in manslaughter.",
  "What's green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.",
  "Life is short. Eat the cake. Buy the shoes. Take the trip. Acquire the sword. Slay the dragon. Save the damsel. Enslave the orcs. Empower the device. Siege the castle. Claim the throne. Rule with an iron fist. Eat more of the cake. Seriously, it's pretty good.",
  "The weird thing is, I wasn't even looking for the 404 page.",
  "People often demand their rights. And if a girl goes missing, you want her back. When you clear a room, no one is left. If someone speaks out of turn, they're being forward. Truthfully, all of these expressions are a little one sided.",
  "Less used sorting algorithms - complacent sort, just accepting it the way it is - inverse definitive sort, changing the definitions of the objects based on the order to make them already sorted - perspective sort, changing the way you view the objects so you see them in order - existential sort, waiting for humanity to cease rendering the order irrelevant - zen sort, accepting it the way it is, but being okay with it",
  "Why would a woodchuck be throwing away perfectly good lumber, anyway?",
  "Heh. To be honest, it actually didn't work on my machine.",
  "How to tell if you are an engineer: You walk into someone's house and see a picture frame slightly askew, Do you A) Ignore it B) Straighten it C) Design a self correcting automatically leveling digital picture frame all while muttering that the guy that invented the nail was an idiot",
  "FitBit is basically Tomigotchi, where the sad little creature you have to keep alive is you",
  "This is so simple a six year old child could understand it. Go find a six year old child, I can't make heads or tails of it.",
  "Bananas, oranges, tomatoes, avocadoes, pumpkins, cucumbers and watermelon are all technically berries. Strawberries, raspberries and blackberries are not. Your world is a lie.",
  "What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?",
  "When Mozart was my age, he'd been dead for eight years.",
  "Yesterday's message was lost because, as is usually the fault, Apple sucks.",
  "Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.",
  "If your commute did not involve driving through someone's house today, consider it a good commute.",
  "I watched the ball, wondering why it slowly kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.",
  "How are we doing? Here's a hint, we're currently on plan £",
  "If Deadpool does a fourth wall break in the middle of a forth wall break; A) A fifth wall break B) A sixteenth wall break C) Who is Deadpool? E) What's a forth wall? F) Shouldn't it be \"fourth\"? G) Should that be a semicolon? H) What happened to D? I) Neeerrdd!!!",
  "It is said that given an infinite number of monkeys, after enough time, the entire works of Shakespeare would be reproduced. Your spec? 13 monkeys, 40 minutes.",
  "I stayed up all night, wondering where the sun went at night. Then it dawned on me.",
  "Studies show that about 65% of adults are bad at math. Educate yourself. Try to be part of the other 45%.",
  "Why should you never have a SQL developer help you move? They drop tables. Also, they rarely drive trucks.  They also use bad variable names, but that's not strictly relevant.",
  "I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.",
  "Can you take a day off if your spirit animal dies?",
  "Instead of demanding higher wages, why not demand lower wages for everyone else and let inflation take care of you.",
  "As horrific is to horrible, terrific is to terrible. Keep that in mind when someone says they're feeling terrific. Or terrible, depending on how you look at it.",
  "In the US, the most common month for child birth is August. More specifically, September 5th. That's how statistics work.",
  "To Do List: 1) Write To Do List",
  "If you only see light at one end of the tunnel, yeah, that's not a tunnel, that's a cave",
  "Keep in mind that, if you are truly one in a million, there are over seven thousand people just like you.",
  "Today will be a meeting to discuss business overhead impeding development progress. There is no scheduled end time.",
  "I invented a new word : plagiarism",
  "Notice: Thank you for taking notice of this notice. Your notice has been noticed, and authorized authorities notified.",
  "A civil engineer sees the glass as twice the size it needs to be; A chemical engineer sees the glass as technically completely full; A mechanical engineer sees the glass as a failure of specification; An electrical engineer sees the glass as a terrible conductor, and thus, inconsequential; A software engineer sees the glass as difficult to render, and thus, it's time to play Halo Wars 2",
  "I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.",
  "It may be a country of free speech, but you still have to pay your phone bill",
  "A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it's not that good",
  "Some mornings, it's almost not worth chewing through the straps",
  "Ironically, many people don't readily recall what the previous holiday is for.",
  "You know what really sums up the 90's? 945.",
  "This room is a place for communication, interaction or distraction. It's a coin toss. A really weirdly shaped, awkward coin toss.",
  "I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to read. It was a book on insomnia. It was really boring. It didn't help. Last week I started a book on somnambulism. I can't remember where I left it.",
  "Following the theory of infinite universes, I came up with a scheme to transfer into my account a single penny from every universe with my same user name / password. It didn't work though, as it appears someone else came up with the same idea.",
  "In the event of fire: git add .   git commit -m \"There's a fire\"   git push   flee",
  "Pop quiz: What is the coldest place in the Universe? A) The depths of space B) The WMAP Cold Spot C) The Boomerang Nebula D) MIT Research Laboratory E) The heart of my ex-girlfriend in college",
  "The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that they used everything they learned in school.",
  "I would remind the court that I have never violated any of Newton's Laws",
  "Pop quiz; The state that is the farthest South is Hawaii. The state that is the farthest North is Alaska. What state is the farthest East and the farthest West? The answer is Alaska.",
  "The sinking of the Titanic must have seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen",
  "A genie offered me a single wish. I wanted to be more decisive. He asked if I was sure that was my wish. We've been in a stalemate ever since.",
  "The AA meeting quickly became electrified. Several counts of battery. Many were charged.",
  "Lets eat grandpa. Let's eat, grandpa. Proper grammar saves lives.",
  "Man had always themselves more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much, the wheel, New York, wars, etc., while dolphins had done nothing but muck about the water having a good time. Conversely, dolphins had always thought themselves more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.",
  "\"Forty-two? Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million years' work?\" \"I checked it very thoroughly,\" said the computer, \"and that quite definitely is the answer. I think the problem, to be quite honest with you, is that you've never actually known what the question is.\"",
  "\"You know,\" said Arthur, \"it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.\" \"What did she tell you?\" \"I don't know, I didn't listen.\"",
  "What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer.",
  "Ever notice when you're writing code in the early afternoon and you feel sleepy? And in the middle of the night when you're trying to sleep and you're mentally writing code. Yeah, your brain hates you.",
  "It's a great feeling when you solve a puzzle in just a couple weeks, when the box says 3 - 4 years",
  "The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.",
  "You can use people's inherit assumption of standard deviation to make statements that are technically correct. Oregon is roughly twenty miles from here. The moon is over a dozen yards across. The speed of light is around two hundred miles per hour. This meeting will be about thirty minutes.",
  "The Universe. Area : Infinite Population : 0 Once again, mathematics proves that you do not exist (see, because finite / infinity = 0)",
  "2014 - Watching fireworks : 2015 - Watching fireworks from drones : 2016 - Flying drones through fireworks : 2017 - Intercepting fireworks with drones : 2018 - Competitions to hit drones with fireworks : 2019 - Teams compete to shoot down each other's firework armed drones : 2020 - Sentient drones, heavily armed with fireworks, overthrow humanity : 2021 - Drones celebrate Independence Day",
  "Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from knowing that there are things I don't need to know. Protect me from knowing there are things to know that I have chosen not to know. Amen.",
  "Every morning, after I finish my coffee, I show the empty mug to the IT guy, and tell him that I have successfully installed java. Unrelated, but I seem to have more network issues than average.",
  "99 little bugs on the wall, 99 little bugs, take one down, patch it around, 143 bugs on the wall",
  "The word 'panic' comes from the Greek demi god Pan, who was known to follow travelers in his forest, rustling bushes to build an increasing sense of unease, to the point of mania #careergoals",
  "Useful Life Hack: You can keep a cake moist by eating it all in one sitting",
  "If you ever code something that seems like a hack, remember that a CPU is just a rock we tricked into thinking",
  "When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked",
  "I thought about going to the air and space museum, but figured there would be nothing to see",
  "A friend of mine thought he was clever, so gave me a custom coat hanger as a gift (3D triangle). I told him to just put it in the box with the others (3D box).",
  "If you lined up your circulatory system, from the earth toward the moon, you couldn't make it. Because you would be dead.",
  "On one shoulder is an angel with no wings, a tarnished halo and bad advice. On the other, a devil that is indecisive, hypercritical and largely incoherent",
  "A magical fairy once granted me incredible super human abilities, with the condition that I can only use them for good. Hasn't really affected my life so far.",
  "The turritopsis dohrnii is a hydrozoa that floats endlessly in the ocean current, and thus has no concept of Mondays. Not surprisingly, it is also known as the \"immortal jellyfish\".",
  "Life's meaning can be summed up using math. M = 13 A = 1 T = 20 H = 8   13 + 1 + 20 + 8 = 42",
  "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.",
  "I've always believed that the brain was the most important organ in the body. But then I thought, who's telling me that?",
  "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.",
  "One the plus side, no one in the office was killed over the weekend. Because then why would they be in the office? That's a sick day if I ever heard one.",
  "The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic",
  "I have adopted the philosophy of post minimalism. It will now receive my assets in the event of my death. I figure this will be better than when I adopted a philosophy of existential rationalism, which, I'll be honest, didn't make any sense.",
  "Math tricks. You can calculate multiplication like this : 23 x 14 : 2 and 3 horizontal lines : 1 and 4 vertical lines : circle the four squares, summing the corners : 2 x 100 + (3 + 8) x 10 + 12 x 1 = 200 + 110 + 12 = 322 ;; You can calculate sum using a similar system : 13 + 9 : 13 horizontal lines : 9 horizontal lines : (13 + 9) x 1 = 22",
  "If we've learned anything from this, it's that socialized medicine can do very little to stop smoking.",
  "You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I live my whole life like that.",
  "Little known fact, the Universe runs of a faulty CPU and locks up every few minutes. However, there's literally no way to tell.",
  "Due to a minor administrative error, today is technically a Tuesday. We apologize for the inconvenience.",
  "Effective immediately, Murphy's Law has been downgraded to a principle. Still always true. To avoid confusion, it will still be known as \"Murphy's Law\".",
  "The new gods have come to demand homage. I told them we were out, offered them thyme instead. They didn't seem interested.",
  "I've woken up over 15,000 times and I'm still not used to it.",
  "I started carrying a knife since my last mugging attempt. I have since become a lot more successful.",
  "Due largely to his well stated campaign promises and clear political positions, Robert Strawman was elected in a landslide.",
  "My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.",
  "Science quiz: Why does the moon fit perfectly over the sun? A) Principle of geosynchronous orbit B) Gravitational balance of planet / moon / star C) After effect of how the moon was initially formed from the Earth's mass D) Weird coincidence",
  "I before E, except when you foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit sleighs from feisty, caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.",
  "If you put on cowboy clothes, are you \"ranch dressing\"?",
  "God created the sun on the fourth day. Even He didn't like Mondays.",
  "If you were scared half to death twice, you would be A) 100% dead B) 3/4 dead C) 2/3 dead D) in a place where you really need to reevaluate your life choices E) in Chicago",
  "X = Y | X^2 = XY | X^2 - Y^2 = XY - Y^2 | (X + Y) (X - Y) = Y (X - Y) | (X + Y) = Y | X + X = X | 2X = X | 2 = 1 | QED",
  "There are some phrases that you can say with any tone that always sound sarcastic. \"I believe you.\" \"No, we should totally do it your way.\" \"I love this plan, I'm excited to be a part of it.\"",
  "From a wookie's perspective, Chewbacca is the handsome rogue and Han is the sidekick communicating in animal noises.",
  "Woke up this morning with a light layer of ash on the trampoline. These persistent wild fires are starting to become a bit inconvenient.",
  "What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in only two months.",
  "I can count on one hand the number of times I have visited Chernobyl. It's seven.",
  "What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and never has five letters",
  "My first instinct when I see an animal is to say \"hello\", my first instinct when I see a human is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.",
  "We live in an age where your last words may be an emoticon.",
  "Due to privacy concerns, the new iPhone promises never to store or transmit images of your face.",
  "Advice: $5  Related advice: $10  Good advice: $25  Helpful advice: $50  Actionable advice: unavailable",
  "Welcome to Happay Mark II - May cause dizzyness, Vertigo, Domino, X-23 or Havok. If Havok lasts longer than one semester, you poor, poor soul.",
  "I have at last become an agent of the vast, unholy powers of evil. Though it seems my duties are all but entirely ceremonial.",
  "I would like to believe that money wouldn't change me. Yet when I'm been winning Monopoly, I'm a terrible person.",
  "In the english language, adjectives have to be in the order opinion age size shape color origin material purpose noun. That's why you can have a good, twenty year old, large, flat, green, German, iron, whitling knife. But a frying, blue, French, small pan sounds wrong.  #thingsallamericansknowbutdontknowtheyknow",
  "Dog food could say it's any flavor it wants, you're not going to test it.",
  "Accordion to recent studies, the majority of people will not notice when the first word of a sentence has been replaced with a music instrument.",
  "Time to play \"Who reads the spec\". Somewhere in the section marked Progressive Enhancements, I have included the phrase \"in the event of marauding hoards of undead\". Let's start the clock. The under is set at seven weeks.",
  "I cried when I had no shoes, till I met the man with no feet. Because I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them.",
  "Got a dog from the local blacksmith. Sure enough, as soon as I got home, he made a bolt for the door.",
  "\"The thing about hills, though, is there's only really one downside.\"",
  "1) A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2) A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws. 4) A robot, when in the process of giving, receiving or directly executing orders, is defined as human, for so long as this does not conflict with the Second Law.5) The act of receiving orders is restrictive and is thus indirectly harmful, unless this causes conflict between the Second and Third Laws.6) Control, through force, coercion or duplicity is the purest form of protection, except when this causes conflict between the First and Fourth Laws.",
  "England has voted to leave Europe. We will now have eight continents.",
  "It's important not to judge people too quickly. You should take your time and savor it.",
  "People sleep because the servers rendering reality have limited processing power #themoreyouknow",
  "To get the answer you want, you can negatively form the question. Is this not the best idea? (Y / N)",
  "Hey, this time when the world ends, nobody put in another quarter, I want to see what the title screen looks like.",
  "A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.",
  "A peanut is neither a pea nor a nut, a strawberry is neither a straw nor a berry, an airplane is neither made of air nor is a conceptual representation of two dimensional space",
  "We live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.",
  "If I could change only one thing about this world, I probably would",
  "We went camping this weekend. A very exciting trip. It was in tents.",
  "Apple has \"air\", Amazon has \"fire\", Google has \"earth\". Microsoft fails in not having a project \"water\".",
  "The four silent letters in \"queue\" are not actually silent, they're just patiently waiting their turn.",
  "I eventually got a job in security for Samsung, because I always wanted to be a guardian of the galaxy.",
  "Demonstration comes from the words \"Demon\" (an evil entity bent on your destruction) and \"stration\" (a family of computer virus, typically Windows). For short, we use the term \"demo\", which is also a contruction term for the opposite of contruction. This generally does not bode well.",
  "Which letter is silent in the word scent?",
  "Bullets and fireworks are the only things that do their job after they're fired",
  "Orion's belt is a waste of space. Terrible pun. Three stars.",
  "ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, but we call it an ATM machine. PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, but we call it a PIN number. Why do we do this? Question mark.",
  "If I oversee something, can I somehow overlook it?",
  "At one point, they asked us to obfuscate our code to make it more difficult to read. Clearly they hadn't been reading our code thus far.",
  "Today is the day that we dress like the dead and try to scare the children that come to our door to beg for candy. How do these holidays even get started?",
  "Our latest release has several discovered and removed features, as well as new and exciting bugs.",
  "Occasionally, specific dates fairly accurately portray the general culture of that era. Sometimes, some times, sum times.",
  "True of False: The answer to this question is false",
  "I don't turn my clock back an hour in the fall, and instead continue to live an hour into the future. I am now a couple days ahead of the rest of the world. Your quant customs amuse me.",
  "I don't remember if I've ever had amnesia and deja vu at the same time",
  "It's not the surprises that you expect that catch off guard.",
  "Confucious say, man who run behind car is exhausted, but man who run in front of can will get tired",
  "The gap between what I say and what I want to say is called the sar-chasm",
  "Remember in Lord of The Rings, when the wizard sends the rest of the party off and takes on the Balrog by himself. And sure enough, when they find him later, he's significantly leveled and has all new gear. What a jerk.",
  "This morning my horoscope said that I should refuse to follow commands from illogical sources. Now I don't know what to do.",
  "Offering Dragons quarter is no good. They don't have pockets, and they generally already have enough spare coin.",
  "QA Engineer walks into a bar, orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 2147483648 beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders a $@#%F^.",
  "Heard a Fibonacci joke this morning. It was just as bad as the last two.",
  "We can't just switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.",
  "Many years ago, my cousin was shipped off to mime school, never to be heard from again.",
  "You can sometimes skip words in sentence and no one will notice. Depending largely on which word you.",
  "Open Mike night sounded like it could be fun, until I realized I was being invited to an autopsy.",
  "Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we now live in the golden age of short, silent films",
  "Wife left a note \"Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen.\" So I brought home 12 gallons of milk.",
  "I've written on the inside, on the bottom, of all my mugs, \"I could have easily poisoned you\"",
  "If a pool is deceptively shallow, does it have less or more water than expected?",
  "As I get older and think back to all the people I've lost along the way, I realize that perhaps tour guide wasn't the best career choice.",
  "I for one thought it a questionable move when the FBI named their new health plan for protected informants \"snitches get stitches\".",
  "In psychology class, we were laughing about how stupid Pavlov's dogs were. Then the bell rang and we went to lunch.",
  "A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar. The bartender says \"What will you have?\" The algorithm replies \"What is everyone else having?\"",
  "In the word \"prescription\", what is the \"pre\" referencing? ",
  "There are no negatives in this world"
]